The titanium alloy builded cabine of the interstellar rollercoaster vibrates upon warp speed entry as Johnny, a teenage pulsar dj practitioner, changes tracks once again, undecided about the atmospheric melody which he would like to listen upon death by suffocation, tossed imaginarilly into space and time after loosing the incoming dj battle he’s about to face. Yet, the rollercoaster arrives to the nearest star at lightspeed, alongside the new beat in Johnny´s playlist; “excitement of a burning star”. The tune hits the cabin, some dude in the back starts moving his head with a smile that fastly spreads to more and more, increasingly excited, people.
I bet they won’t toss me into space after listening to this killer track.
Johnny accomodates his vintage headphones and let’s himself be carried away by the melody, but he’s quickly interrupted by the harsh bass on Azeroth, his contestant, hit track; “Cry of a pulsar”. The battle is on.
Johnny turns up the volume, along with the rising laser melody which welcomes the audience into the sudden fall of the rollercoaster and manages to take them away from the sad tunes of his adversary. But at the end of the fall, the melancholic pulse on the bridge of “Cry of a Pulsar”, pushes them back into the sadness of oblivion, conveyed by Azeroth’s feelings. Johnny concentrates on his previous sentiments, on the warm rising of the sun in the summer, but the melody only manages to upset the audience, completely caught up in sadness, and they love it. The rollercoaster spirals, taking Johnny off from concentration and giving Azeroth even more sad feelings to feed upon. Hanging in despair, Johnny notices Azeroth is looking right at him, probably feeding of Johnny’s desperation to add to his sad tune. And so, Johnny opens his safebelt and lets himself go in the middle of the rollercoaster spinning. The sudden fall of Johnny makes Azeroth laugh and the sad tune he’s conveing changes into an uprising beat, following his own feelings, and more so than that, merging with another rising tune, the hopeful arrangement that comes from Johnny’s heart, grabbing the side of the dj table and not letting himself go in the middle of the chaotic movement of the rollercoaster. Fighting for his own life, Johnny’s heart fuses with the melody from “excitement of a burning star”, transforming it into a new song; “Explosion of supernova feelings”. And the entire audience let’s themself go from their seatbelts, and the rollercoaster travels through space with a multitude of people hanging from their chairs, fighting to stay alive and not letting go.
The spiral tracks are behind and the rollercoaster stabilises near the heart of a gigantic galaxy, purple mist and the birth of new stars accompany Johnny´s triumphant coda, as “explosion of a supernova feelings” hits the end. The audience goes back into their sits, a couple rejoice by the window, kissing passionately. Azeroth´s song has stopped for some time now, not that anyone notices it and Johnny is the only one to say goodbye to him, before the floor opens and tosses him out into space, to die.
The modern cut glass door closes unexpectedly, hinges pushing forever forward, towards the chiaroscuro street and the humidity of the sprinkling on the light green grasses, on the blackened asphalt, on the unscathed puddles. And the barely occupied spaces of the sidewalks hide laughter, hide indecipherable plans for Thomas, a man of fine features and slender body, perhaps too slender and perhaps too relaxed given the situation. Truth is, for some time now, Thomas has felt that his life stops every time he occupies a place for a long time, as if his feet were buried in the ground and deep roots were taking him from below. This sensation provokes in him a slight impulse forward, towards the new, the different, towards the pizzeria, where the pizzas he hopes to enjoy on tonight’s date are waiting, the date… with his former girlfriend.
Cut to black:
– Wait wait wait… you said he was running away to the new, the different, but it turns out he’s getting together with his former girlfriend.
– Steps my friend, these are steps he has to take, even though his life is moving into the future, paradoxically that future is shaped like his past. Perhaps because it is the barrier he has to cross before he gets to what is really something different.
– Don’t cloud me with your metaphysical logic. Okay then, I’ll play along, but I’ll be watching.
The living room of Thomas’ apartment.
Thomas wakes up next to the sunrise in the window, for the third day in a row he has fallen asleep on the living room couch. He gets up as quickly as he can to leave his sleeping behind. He goes into the bathroom and brushes his teeth, his eyes closing but he slaps himself a few times to wake up completely.
He rushes out the apartment door and into the hallway, where a group of people are waiting for the elevator to arrive.
Among these people is Gloria.
Thomas stops dead in his tracks on the ceramic tiles in the hallway, thanks to the rubber specially designed by the sneakers company to produce controlled braking on any surface (patented brand).
Escape options are limited, the most certain possibility of going unnoticed is to make a fleeting dash for the emergency door and descend to the first floor using the fire escape stairs. But the window of opportunity narrows with each passing second, a decision has to be made.
– To the ladder!
Thomas shouts without having thought about the possibility, very close indeed, that Gloria might hear him. Luckily he makes it across the threshold of the emergency door before noticing.
Ten or eleven jumps later, he makes it to the first floor of the apartment building, he happens to live on the third floor.
– I don’t think what I do is heroic.
– Whatever you say sir, have a nice day.
The concierge greets Thomas and bids him farewell at the exit door, but not before reminding him of something important.
– Sir, the common expenses.
– Yes indeed, the expenses. Very important.
– Sir… sir?
– Very important, thank you for telling me.
Thomas waves goodbye, walks out the glass door to the street and finds himself facing the sidewalks and the walls still tinged with light blue, the other colors still asleep and waiting for the sun to come.
Perfect time to start jogging to the end of the street and back to the entrance of the apartment. Thomas has been running every morning for a year and four months now, every step he takes is a mantra that propels him forward, towards the future he longs for.
Insert: a photo of a happy family hugging by the Christmas tree.
This image is the main reason why Thomas feels that his life is a failure, he doesn’t have a family, he wants a family, he wants it more than anything else in the world. So… Why did he avoid Gloria in the hallway?
Thomas’s love nest.
Thomas on top of Gloria, to Gloria’s side, underneath Gloria, they both naked and sucking each other’s bodies in search for pleasure. Then they rest lying on the bed. Gloria feels like talking.
– We should live together.
The chiaroscuro street.
Thomas, running alone down the light blue-tinted street after having escaped from Gloria in the apartment hallway, receives a phone call but does not answer, he is even annoyed because the incoming call interrupts the music he’s been listening, which is a fundamental piece of this whole “I want and I act to get it” narrative driving him.
As he reaches the end of the street, Thomas turns on his right knee, the one that still hurts so much after landing with his whole body on a large round stone on the beach.
Insert: Thomas landing on the round stone on the beach.
Thomas takes away the devastating image of the fall and continues to move forward, this time around the street goes upwards. The phone rings again, Thomas prefers to answer.
– Hello? (kinda annoyed tone)
– Thomas? Hello, how are you?
– Excuse me, who is this?
– Paula? You don’t remember my voice anymore.
(Off course he does)
– Paula… Paula! Hi! How are you, long time no hear.
( He has been preparing for this occasion).
– I’m fine, you?
– I’m great, I just love living, you know.
(Strange answer, also, he doesn’t like living so much).
– How nice to hear you so happy.
– Yeah, I’m so happy.
– Listen, I’m calling you because I’m in town for a few days.
– Are you? Great, if you want we can get together, do something.
– What a nice idea, we do have a lot to talk about.
– We do! I’m free in the evening, 8… 8:30 is a good time.
– 8 is fine. Will you send me your address?
– Yes, don’t worry. I’ll send it now.
– Great, see you soon.
Thomas hangs up the phone and resumes jogging with a smile that defies gravity and fatigue.
He walks quickly, forgetting the steep path at first, remembering near the entrance of the apartment, where he meets Gloria, out of breath.
At this point, she has barely reached the first floor after waiting for several minutes for her turn to get into the elevator.
Cut to: (minutes earlier)
The hallway and the long wait.
Gloria waits standing in front of the elevator, next to a group of people. The light on the ceiling flickers constantly, generating almost imperceptible spaces of darkness that feed the general “why the fuck do I have to get out of bed” kinda feeling in the air.
An exasperating buzzing sound from a busted light makes the wait increasingly unpleasant.
The elevator opens and is already practically full, people inside making the supreme effort to squeeze into the limited space to allow Mrs. Nicole and her two children access to the elevator.
– They are very late for school. Thank you very much.
Mrs. Nicole utters a couple of incoherent sentences before the door closes, Gloria wonders if the lady was talking to herself or to the rest.
She also wonders about the competitive advantages of having children, the operation reports positive results in favour of singleness.
A quick glance at the rest of the people and the epiphany is not long in coming… she will be the last to enter the elevator.
List of the other people in order of entry to the elevator:
– An elderly woman with no apparent direction.
– A rival woman very similar in appearance to Gloria, but with bigger cleavage.
– A guy in a suit with the face of a rapist (she’s not gonna enter with him).
A young college student eager to learn and see.
Outside the apartment and the unexpected encounter.
The gloom in Gloria’s mind has not abated after the long wait in front of the elevator door.
The accidental, though completely avoidable, encounter with Thomas leads her to experience contradictory emotions. On the one hand, she recognizes a bond with the individual, a special affection that she would like to protect. On the other hand, the reason Gloria preferred to wait in the elevator and not go down the stairs is because she saw Thomas avoiding her in the hallway.
– Hello Thomas.
– Gloria, good morning. How are you doing this momorning?
– Sorry, morning. This morning.
– I’m fine, I’m actually running a little late, talk later?
– Yes, later.
– I think I’ll be back by 8 pm.
– Oh, you mean like today. Later today.
– Sure… Later today, can you?
– Yeah obviously… I mean no, I can’t today.
– Oh, are you gonna be busy?
– Yeah, busy. I have to go out… and come back. Out and back.
– Ah, a short thing.
– Not that short, I think. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take me, but I’ll be back, don’t worry.
– Okay, that was weird. I guess I’ll talk to you another day.
– Yeah, of course.
– Well, see you then.
Gloria says goodbye to Thomas without kissing him and heads to the curb, where her Uber ride awaits to take her to work.
Before getting into the vehicle, Gloria wonders if Thomas noticed her saying goodbye without kissing him.
Also, end of flashback.
The initial sunset part II.
Thomas arrives at the pizzeria in search of the pizzas he has ordered to celebrate with Paula, the woman who left his life a year and four months ago, the woman who left a hole of hopelessness in the center of the heart of Thomas’ compulsive dream of starting a family.
The toppings on both pizzas are Paula’s favorites, Thomas remembers them completely, as he still remembers countless details about her.
– I’m here to pick up some pizzas.
– In whose name.
– In the name of love, my friend.
The cashier stares at Thomas, his gaze intrigued.
– You… you’re a romantic.
– I think so, my friend.
– That’ll be 13.95.
– How do you know what order I’m getting?
– Pizza with ham, extra cheese and pineapple? Only a person looking to impress someone chooses pineapple, dude.
– Only an extreme rhetorician chooses dualistic arguments. Dude.
– Touché. Here are your pizzas sir, enjoy your evening.
– Thank you very much.
Thomas receives the pizzas with honest kindness and walks towards the exit of the pizzeria, the journey is interrupted by a phone call, it’s Paula.
He leaves the pizza boxes on one of the tables of the restaurant and answers.
– Paula, hi.
– Hi Thomas, hey, I’m outside your apartment, I’ve just arrived.
Thomas’s gaze crosses witheringly through the interior space of the pizzeria and stops nimbly at the clock on the counter, it’s 7: 50 pm.
– You’re early.
– Yes, is that a problem?
– “She’s early, she wants to see me, she misses me, she needs me! Do I have any condoms? I think I have some left in the medicine box, at least one strip.”
– No, no. No problem. Wait for me there, I’m in front, at the pizzeria.
– I’ll wait for you then.
Thomas cuts the call, takes the pizzas and walks again towards the exit, but stops (again) when he sees Gloria arriving at the entrance of the apartment with another person, a man.
From the type of clothes this man is wearing, a leaden jacket with a typical white shirt and those shoes polished to a boiling point, Thomas deduces that this man is a fucking bastard.
– What are those, solar panels?
– Excuse me, sir?
The cashier enters the conversation.
– Nothing, I was talking to myself.
– Of course sir, why would you be talking to me.
The cashier leaves the conversation.
Thomas looks through the small windows at the top of the door, those little windows that allow him to see the street.
He stares at the entrance of the apartments, first he sees Paula standing near the edge of the sidewalk. Then he sees Gloria next to the unknown guy, saying goodbye to the Uber driver who has brought them back to the love nest that Thomas thought he was the only guest and now it seems he has to share with someone else.
Gloria and the stranger enter the building, clearing the way for Thomas to decide to come out of hiding, but unable to stop the pizza boxes from crashing against the door with the little windows that closes thanks to those hinges that are used to close to push people forward.
A determined movement with his arm and Thomas manages to control the boxes without losing the momentum that leads him to cross the street next to the passage of one of those cars that always pass by unexpectedly and whose movement produces a light breeze that moves the hair of both of them, Thomas and Paula.
A flickering flash unleashes forgotten emotions when the eyes of both of them meet, like an eclipse that unleashes parallel universes, mystical universes of an unreal nature where affection is law and where the concrete reality is completely shattered.
– Hi, wow, you look good. Paula doesn’t hesitate to flirt with him.
– You too, hey, have you been working out? Thomas responds as freely as the situation allows.
– You noticed, yes, I have a routine that has worked wonders for me.
– I’m not going to deny the results. A mischievous smile from Thomas, more and more determined.
– So, what about you? Do you do weights?
Paula gently strokes the upper side of Thomas’s left arm.
– No, no. Not that kind of exercise.
– What do you do, basketball? Tennis?
– No, no. I do… Hey, I’m glad you came.
– Yeah, I was in a meeting with some clients but I finished earlier than I thought, so I came, I figured you’d be here by now.
(Clients? the word resonates in Thomas’s mind like a thorn against his skull)
– You’re guessing right. But come on in, come on in.
Thomas invites Paula inside the apartment, in passing he uses his super fast gaze to take a mental picture of Paula’s body, those exercises have really done wonders for her figure.
The beauty in front of his eyes leads him to look up to the sky in an unconscious movement, towards the row of balconies that extends to the roof of the building, he stops next to the third floor balcony and finds Gloria looking down at him with an expression of disbelief.
Again that flash is triggered that invokes those emotional worlds that take over the spaces of all things and tinge them with colors and shapes that make sense only when you understand that Gloria and Thomas have actually just seen each other naked (metaphorically) for the first time since they met.
A shy response, a wagging salute on the fingers of his right hand is all that Thomas manages to conjure up in a supreme attempt to escape the blow of the judge’s gavel. Gloria finds herself in a similar situation, she prefers to let out a nervous smile and retreat into the interior of her apartment.
Tension mounts in the third floor hallway.
The elevator doors open, Thomas looks out before stepping into the hallway with that flickering light and that buzzing sound almost imperceptible to outsiders, but absolutely present and devastating to the locals.
He does so to make sure the place is clear. Paula is surprised by the “different” behaviour of her companion, but dismisses the matter.
They both walk down the hallway and every step they take echoes on the ceramic floor. Thomas remembers the properties of the rubber of his sneakers once again and Gloria bursts out laughing just as Paula crosses the threshold of her apartment door, which is on the way to Thomas’s apartment.
Gloria’s presence prickling in the hallway and urging Thomas to move forward faster, this time without hinges to push him through. Seconds later, Paula and Thomas stop by the last door in the hallway, inside, the lair of the man struggling to remain calm in the face of unfolding events.
– We have arrived.
The door opens, Paula goes inside, a pale sigh echoes through the walls of the corridor. Thomas enters and closes the door slowly. The hallway is silent.
The moment of truth in Thomas’s apartment.
Thomas enters the apartment and leaves the keys on the table, on top of the pizza boxes. Paula sits on the couch in front of the TV screen, where she finds a new planter on the edge of the table, topped with a beautiful bunch of lavender flowers.
– Yummy, I love lavender.
– Yes, they smell good.
– What’s that?
– I didn’t realize you were a flower man.
– Oh, I guess there’s a lot you don’t know about me yet.
(What she really doesn’t know is that it has been Gloria who has placed the planter topped with lavender on the edge of the table, after diagnosing Thomas’s apartment as the lair of a deeply depressed person).
Thomas takes a couple of beers out of the fridge, hands one to Paula and sits down across from her.
– So Paula, tell me, how have you been? What have you been up to?
Thomas swallows a long sip of beer before receiving the answer, perhaps it was the architecture of her silhouette, the golden earrings, the golden curls, the seasonal clothes or the combination of all of them that led to the foreboding conclusion.
– Well what have I done, so many things. As you know, I took that scholarship last year and I was studying abroad.
– I think I remember that.
Thomas takes another long sip of beer.
– It went well, I ended up finding a job in an international firm. Oh, you can’t imagine how many places I’ve seen. And the people, the best experience.
Thomas’ first beer is finished almost instantly.
– No kidding, that’s good, that’s great news. Quite a success.
– Yeah, taking that scholarship was the best thing I could have done in my life.
– Wow… that doesn’t hurt at all.
– Doesn’t it?
– Right, are you hungry?
Thomas opens the first pizza box, the irresistible scent of melted cheese over tomato sauce overtakes the apartment….
– No thanks. I don’t eat dairy products.
… And they are exorcised out of the place almost instantly.
– Relax, you can eat it if you want.
Thomas doesn’t take a bite of the pizza, preferring to close the box in disguise, Paula notices the movement, but prefers to continue the conversation.
– And you, how have you been? Tell me, what’s been going on in your life during this time.
– Well, I’m… I’m in my projects, you know, doing my own thing, moving forward.
– Oh, what are you doing?
– It’s complicated stuff, work stuff. I don’t want to bore you with the details.
– No, don’t worry about it.
– But tell me, Paula, why did you call me?
Paula smiles when she hears Thomas’ question, takes a sip of beer before continuing.
– I don’t know, I wanted to see you. I was with my parents, friends and acquaintances, but I thought, what is Thomas doing? So I came.
– Well, I’m glad you thought that.
– Yes, you can’t imagine the trouble my boyfriend gave me, he got jealous, can you believe it?
– Your boyfriend?
– Yeah, you’re gonna love him. I told him wonderful things about you, obviously.
– That’s great. I’m so glad.
Thomas does his best to endure the pain, the stab wound in the center of his heart makes it hard to breathe, the imaginary blood spills all over the walls of the apartment.
A keen eye tracks the position of the phone next to the pizza boxes, maybe there is still time to call an ambulance.
– I’ll be right back.
Thomas dismisses the initial panic and moves swiftly down the hallway and into the kitchen without wasting time to turn on the light, straight to the refrigerator, where he grabs another beer to drink almost half of it in one sip.
Stopped in the middle of darkness, partially illuminated by the line of light escaping from inside the fridge, Thomas makes a great effort to keep up appearances.
A hyper-massive black hole activates at the center of his thinking, threatening to absorb all the light in the universe. The spell fades when Paula receives a phone call.
Hi honey, yes I’m here. Everything is fine.
With Paula out of the “environment consciousness”, Thomas takes the opportunity to cross the room, goes to the balcony and indicates to Paula that he “will be outside” with a hand gesture, she gives a thumbs up, accepting the proposition, and continues the phone conversation.
Revelation by starlight.
The icy air and the echoes of the streets in the incipient night greet Thomas at the balcony, a new sip of beer and a controlled sigh do not deliver the calm that the movement was intended for.
Nor does the night seem to have endowed the stars with the loving light of hope that guided so many chosen ones and prophets in other eras.
The click of the lighter in Gloria’s hand leads Thomas to turn towards his neighbour’s balcony, there she is enjoying a puff of a cigarette.
– Thomas – She says.
– Gloria, I didn’t know you were…
– Me neither, I thought you were going out?
– Yeah, right, well, not really.
– She’s cute, is she your ex?
– Yes, how did you know.
– I didn’t.
The horn of a car honks across the nearby horizon, a shorter one follows suit. Gloria takes another puff from her cigarette. Thomas follows.
– I saw you arriving with a friend, a male friend?
– We’re just friends, I don’t like him or anything.
– He looks nice (he doesn’t), co-worker?
Gloria nods and puts the cigarette out in the ashtray, leaves it on the edge of the balcony next to the lighter and gets up from the chair, prepares to enter the apartment.
– Do you want to watch a movie later?
– Yeah, sounds good. I’ve got pizza, do you want some?
– Okay, I’ll wait for you.
The window opens and Gloria disappears into the long white curtains. Thomas smiles and sighs long. He stays on the balcony for a while longer, still a while after Paula finishes talking on the phone.
Victor notices the spider’s web swaying gently in the space between the rearview mirror and the body of the car. It is the eighth time in a month that he has encountered the same surprise, but it is the first time that Lucia notices it. An unimportant detail for her, who passes her hand without hesitation and removes the spider’s web at once.
– Don’t tell me, there’s a spider living in the car.
– Yes, there is. I think so at least.
– You think so?
– Yes, I think so. I remember one day I was driving back to the apartment when I saw a spider walking along the edge of the window. I slowed down to help it, so it wouldn’t fall out. It went through a gap in the door and I never saw it again, then these spider webs started appearing.
– You have to fill the inside of the car with insecticide and that’s it, it’s over.
Victor smiles without saying another word and gets into the car, Lucia does the same. The car leaves.
– Where did you say we were going? she asks.
– I didn’t say where we were going.
Victor keeps his gaze on the horizon that stretches vast and imperishable in front of his eyes. A couple walks down the left side of the street. Victor looks at them and sighs, he wonders if all couples are like Lucia and him, deep down he hopes this is not the case.
– Well, so, are you going to tell me or do I have to guess? Lucía continues.
– You know, spiders are not insects.
– You know that, right?
– Okay, spiders are not insects. Where are we going?
– You would think that an insecticide is designed to kill insects, but no… it’s just poison. It’s for killing and nothing else.
– Victor, I hate it when you do that, are you going to answer the question?
– No, I’m not.
The red light of the traffic light forces Victor to stop at an uncomfortable point in the conversation, experience indicates that refusing to answer a question can involve more time spent in circular conversations. Before Lucia can get another word in edgewise, he hurries to turn on the radio.
“Breaking news; the search for little Pedro, who disappeared almost a month ago in the outskirts of the city, will end tonight, when police officers conclude their efforts to find him.”
“The young boy’s mother wasted no time in giving statements about the disappointment caused by this decision.”
– “He is my son, I need to find him, do you understand me? I can’t continue my life if I don’t know what happened to him”.
– Dude, can I clean your windshield?
A homeless man approaches Victor’s window, waving his hands at the windshield marked by a series of dust and dirt smudges. The truth is that it’s been days since Victor has washed the car, made the bed, and a thousand other tasks that are still pending in his mind.
– Okay my friend, thank you.
– Don’t say yes, Victor, don’t you know? He’s going to spend the money on alcohol and drugs.
Lucia intervenes in the conversation with her classic angry tone that makes Victor’s stomach boil. The homeless man also listens to Lucia’s words, although he prefers not to react, perhaps because the promise of a few coins is enough to silence the voice of his pride.
– He is like you then. Victor responds after the initial seconds of discomfort.
– What did you say?
Victor bursts out laughing and the homeless man follows soon after. Thirty seconds remain until the light changes at the traffic light, enough time to make a new friend. The homeless man’s arm passes swiftly across the surface of the windshield, in a short time the glass returns to immaculate transparency.
– It is impeccable, here and thanks for the help.
Victor hands the coins to the homeless man.
– Thank you sir and God bless you.
– “God bless me…”
The phrase echoes in Victor’s mind as the green light returns to the traffic light. The car leaves once again, the sun’s rays escape from the side of a building and go to rest on the tops of the leafy trees that stand over the concrete walls of the metropolitan park, Victor smiles.
– Are you still laughing? Are you okay with ridiculing me in front of strangers?
Victor does not answer, he is not sure of his answer, the first thing that comes to his mind is to answer that yes, it is okay to ridicule Lucia in front of strangers. But at the same time, he realizes about the anger that slowly takes over his conscience, he prefers to keep silent. The light in the skies is lost between two large bodies of gray clouds, the day is tinged with pale blues and greens, with staggered grays. Victor steps on the accelerator as if trying to escape the growing melancholy that surpasses even rage, which at least demands some kind of affective bonding, that he felt before and that now is diluted among imaginary tears.
– Lucia listen, I’m not sure about this, but I think all the sentences you’ve said since we left the apartment have been questions.
– What does that have to do with it?
– I’m not sure.
– Can you slow down?
– Yes, but I don’t want to.
Another hint of anger escapes unconsciously and leads Victor to press the accelerator harder, even before he looks ahead, towards the next traffic light that is already yellow. The space left is not enough to stop, Victor continues the race and passes the next intersection accompanied by the incipient red light, together with the trumpeting of the horn of other vehicles.
– I want to go back to the house Victor, I don’t want to be here anymore.
– You are always here.
– Do you want to tell me something?
The sound of the police beacon interrupts the conversation, the flashing reddish beam pierces the interior of Victor’s vehicle, who prefers to stop at the side of the street before trying any alternative escape.
– What I really want is to escape the conversation.
Victor looks back in the rearview mirror, expecting to see the policeman, but in reality he stares at the traces of the spider’s web in the space between the mirror and the body of the car. He wonders about the spider, will it be sad after losing its precious web? The policeman also arrives at his side.
– Good afternoon, sir. Your driver’s license, please.
Victor takes the wallet and checks inside for the driver’s license. In the process he tries not to fix his attention on the mocking face that Lucia is surely making. He doesn’t succeed.
– God has blessed me…
– I beg your pardon? The policeman replies.
– Yes? Ah, no nothing. I was talking to myself. Here’s the license.
– Do you know how fast you were going?
– What are you asking me for? I guess you know. You’d better tell me how fast I was going.
– But I want to know if you know how fast you were going.
– I see, you’re not sure. Well look, I think I was going right at 60 miles per hour. Now, I recently saw a sign that said the maximum speed was infact 60 miles per hour. So I guess we’re good, right?
– The policeman takes a step back and scratches his head, it takes him a while to process the information, when he’s done he returns to the window.
– I guess so, all ok with the license. Have a nice day, sir.
The policeman returns the license to Victor and walks back to the police car, leaving the scene shortly after. Victor breathes a sigh of relief, turns the key to start the engine and prepares to resume driving.
– I don’t understand, what happened? – Lucia asks with an air of annoyance.
– Nothing, nothing happened.
– But you went through the intersection with a red light, you committed an infraction.
– Strange, I don’t feel like I committed anything.
The next song on the radio ends and the urgent news announcement returns.
“Breaking news, a stunning turnaround in the case of little Peter, as we had commented earlier, the police were about to call off the search for the boy, but now it has been confirmed that little Peter has been found by talent scouts in Hollywood, he has signed a million dollar contract to star in a new movie franchise. We have his shocking statements.”
– “Hello everyone, I’m fine. I’m here to fulfill my dream. To all of you who are looking for me I say, forget me, because we’re not going to see each other again.”
– What a nasty little boy. And so many people had been worried about him.
Lucia grumbles in front of the radio and then changes the dial, stops at another station.
“And God said to Moses; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” ….
– What is that? Victor asks.
– That is the bible, dumbass. You’ve never heard it before?
– No, it’s not that, it’s something else. It’s something that’s talking about what happens.
– What are you talking about?
– It knows what is going to happen.
– Cut it out Victor! I’ve had enough of you. You wouldn’t tell me where we’re going, you’re laughing at me and now you’re talking weird. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Victor is paralyzed, he keeps his eyes on the street but prefers not to make any false moves, he assumes that his life depends on it.
– Are you going to answer me?
– The spider… Victor answers almost without moving his lips.
– What spider?
– The spider is in my head…
The spider walks hurriedly over Victor’s head, moving from one side to the other without deciding which way to go, planted in the infinite center of a circle. Unexpectedly, the spider takes the lower path and now advances on Victor’s neck, who instinctively moves to protect his life, letting go of the steering wheel and losing control of the car. A new intersection is coming up and this time Victor does not even manage to see it, nor does he manage to press the brake pedal before receiving the impact on the right side. The car spins three or four times in the air before stopping in the middle of the street, Victor opens his eyes and finds the asphalt next to the window, the car is lying on its left side.
– Lucia… Lucia, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t see…
Lucia is not inside the car. The sunlight shines through the gaps in the thick clouds and partially illuminates the long and little-traveled street, some people approach from a distance and murmur words that cannot be understood. Victor looks at the window frame of the windshield, the spider walks along the edge and goes back through the gap into the interior.
Elliot has been sitting in front of the computer for the past 2 weeks with the intention of writing the first draft of a novel. He has handcuffed himself to the chair and handed the keys to a person who will not visit him until he has received an email with the first draft of the story.
Hunger keeps him awake, he can’t remember the last time he slept and for some time now his dreams have merged with the walls, now crowded with imaginary beings. An endless gallery of noisy beings that keep laughing at him, handcuffed in the chair and unable to write a single word since the torture began. In an effort not to pay attention, Elliot runs his gaze to the window, where a crow crashes against the glass and pierces it with its body. The bird falls to the floor of the room and writhes in pain. Elliot gets up from the chair to assist him, but can’t reach him because of the cuffed arm.
– I can’t help him.
Elliot sits back down, the crow tries to fly away from its own foretold death, whipping itself against the walls and causing new commotion among the imaginary people.
– Do something for the poor guy!
Hysterical cries from the people on the walls, one by one and all together, in unison, claiming for the bird’s life, claiming for the interrupted calm. Elliot raises his shoulders in sign of “nothing I can do” and “the handcuff on the arm” he indicates pointing with the index finger of his free hand.
Ah, you always have an excuse!
Again the screams of a thousand beings, monsters some would say, fall on the restless mind of Elliot, who pretends to write on the computer. But the trick doesn’t work, in his impatience, he stretches out one of his feet to reach the crow and drags it to grab it with his free arm.
Ah, I knew he would make it!
Elliot is grateful for the words of support from the creatures on the walls and leaves the crow next to the pale light of the computer screen, tucked in a sweatshirt. The wind blows hard through the window, a sharp chill runs down his back, the time is coming, the time he has spent without food has brought him to this state, maybe the bird will be saved.
You can do it! Courage!
The beings on the walls are in an uproar, they become fervent in support of the writer who is agonizing in front of them. An incipient smile leads Elliot to put his hands in front of the computer and type….
“The endless storm accompanies a raven that has been forced to be the messenger of death and yet flies with strength to escape this cruel fate. The dark clouds always accompanying him in suffering, in the war fields of a world accustomed to spill blood on the ground. The raven finally understands that the only way to leave behind the misfortunes of men, which come from selfish desires, is to sacrifice his own life to stop the designs of death and to free the dreams of men from the inevitable end of all things”.
Elliot finishes writing and sends the first draft using the last bit of energy he has left, then falls on the desk with his eyes still open. He stares at the horizon visible from the window, where an intense light interrupts the deep night and blurs the outline of all things.
Alfonso stops by the door of the quickstop, where he finds the reflection of his face on the glass of the door, his long, white, gray hair, and his long, singeing beard.
Who am I?
The question has no answer. The golden, cracked skin, dry lips, characteristics that do not correspond to any glimmer of unity inside the observer.
The sentence reminds him of something he cannot remember, a faceless nostalgia and nameless anguish. He decides to enter the store without answering the question, walks through the aisles full of candy, vibrant colors that fill him with wistfulness. Walking down the aisle at the end, Alfonso finds himself facing the row of refrigerators, he stares at a bottle of mineral water, the shape of the bottle reminds him of something he cannot realize, a diffuse memory that leads him to open the door of the refrigerator and take the bottle in his hands, the cold relaxes him, it leads him to take a deep breath. The woman at the cash register has been looking at him for a while. Alfonso knows this, but he downplays the issue, preferring to open the bottle and take a big sip of water. Refreshing, but he is interrupted by the woman’s voice.
Hey, what are you doing!
Alfonso stops, the woman approaches him, brings a red blanket, one that she had kept for the cold, she uses it to cover the body of the old naked man she has found in the corridor of the refrigerators. Alfonso thanks her, but she has not finished, she asks him to pay for the water before consuming it. Alfonso listens carefully and then puts his hands in his pockets, but he has no pants. The woman gets angry, asks him to leave the store, to take the water away but not to continue to mess the floor with sand, points to Alfonso’s dirty feet, feet with which he has painted a trail of sand everywhere he has stepped. Alfonso walks towards the exit, passes by the woman’s side, she backs up when she sees the depth of his eyes, there she finds the glow of the stars. Alfonso is happy to see her, he remembers her from before, although he doesn’t know when, he bids her farewell with a reverence. As he walks through the door of the quickstop, Alfonso sees the next object that catches his eye, an empty gas can, next to the gas pump hose. With eyes full of tears, a smile on his face, and arms raised to the sky in an attempt to embrace the sun, Alfonso celebrates the discovery. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t remember, but that canister fills his heart with joy, an intense joy that drives him to run to the pump to get the canister and insert the nozzle of the pump inside. Alfonso presses the trigger and the gasoline is poured inside. And just then, the bathroom door, at the side of the quickstop, hits the frame announcing the arrival of a man on the scene. It’s a burly guy wearing a trucker’s cap on his head.
Hey! Hey, you! Are you going to pay for that?
Surprised by the statement, but even more surprised to see the face of the person who is questioning him, Alfonso kicks on the floor with joy, suffering hidden inside him disappears, a miracle without identification leads him to thank the heavens and Pedro, who continues to approach Alfonso and fails to understand anything of what is happening.
Did I miss anything? You’re going to pay, right?
Alfonso panics, grabs the drum with both hands and runs out, releasing the jet, which continues to expel liquid from its interior and spill it on the floor. Alfonso hugs the canister tightly as he escapes from the station, into the road and the desert. Pedro runs in pursuit, but stops at the pump to stop the gasoline pouring onto the ground uncontrollably. The time lost is enough for Alfonso to reach a considerable distance, insurmountable assumes Pedro, in the midst of the embracing heat of noon, so he desists in the pursuit.
Alfonso runs without stopping, he doesn’t give himself time to look back. He doesn’t run because he is being chased, he runs because he knows he still has time, although he doesn’t remember what for. Hours fly on the impulse, until his legs ask for a break, the sun lying down on the horizon, and the heat has dropped considerably. His guts are rumbling. When was the last time he ate? A blind confidence leads him to go into the dunes of the desert and to wait in silence. And then, between the lines described in the sand, a circular movement, like a whip drawing outlines on the ground, reveals the movement of a snake emerging from the depths. Alfonso observes it and without even thinking about it, he throws himself towards it, hunger drives him, instinct drives him, love for the imperishable time drives him to pursue it a long way, leaving the drum behind, because what will become of the can without someone to carry it? Alfonso manages to find the snake, grabs it by the tail, and strongly whips it against the ground until life escapes from it. When the killing is over, Alfonso says goodbye to the snake, thanks the universe for providing it, takes off his red cloak and places it on the ground, and deposits the snake’s body there. A furtive look at the canister, arranged on the side of the road, reveals that the object in question is not in its position; a young man has taken it and is carrying it. Alfonso hurries to hunt down the intruder, catches him and throws himself at him, managing to knock him down without much difficulty. The canister returns to his hands and Alfonso stays looking at the young man for a while. For his part, the young man spends the afternoon begging Alfonso to lend him the gasoline he needs to rescue a woman stranded in the middle of the desert. Words that unleash a series of diffuse, unconnected, but strangely familiar memories in Alfonso. One specific word echoes in his memory.
Alfonso remembers meeting someone with that name, a powerful feeling that brings him back to the desert sands, that ties him to the destination of the road, to the gasoline can and to the long journey he has undertaken. But Alfonso prefers not to say anything, he is not sure of these memories, of the story that they link, and for sure that saying things without being sure is a bad idea, he thinks to himself. Night falls on Alfonso and on the young man, a fire is lit in the dark, the flames dance to the rhythm of the night winds. Millions of thousands of years still unprocessed in his mind, Alfonso does not manage to stay long in the present time. Even so, he makes the greatest effort to pay attention to the words of the young man, who interrogates him with questions whose answer he does not possess. Questions about origins, about destinies, but Alfonso does not manage to position himself in the arrow of time, the situation seems to him an echo of something that had already happened, even without remembering what comes after or what came before this that is now happening. Only one sentence manages to thread, there is a woman he wants to find, he has lost her in the avatars of time, will it be enough to shut him up? Alfonso chooses not to say more, loses interest in the conversation and soon falls into a deep sleep.
The space is occupied, how to enter?
Among the veils of dreams, a car appears in the middle of the road, a woman opens up whole, her skin falls on the passenger seat, a flower emerges, a thorny rose, the stems grow and the thorns occupy the entire interior space of the vehicle.
Alfonso opens his eyes in fear, the young man takes the canister, tries to snatch it from his hands, forces him to stand up and fight, but why fight?
Better to let go.
Alfonso reflects and the forces he leaves aside, his body now moves thanks to the strength of the young man, the thrust pushes him towards the flames with the canister held in his arms. The touch of the fire and the explosion, as intense as sunlight, envelops him in flames. Alfonso bears the pain in silence, lets himself be burned, embraces the flames like old friends who come to guide him, angels who come down from the sky to illuminate the path. The fire is extinguished after a while, Alfonso’s body stiff, his eyes lost in the blink of the stars that receive him once more and beyond, beyond the most extensive and darkest depth, he knows that everything will start again.
The first rays of the sun timidly illuminate the contour of the desert and tickle Alfonso’s charred fingers. He agonizes, it is difficult for him to breathe, every breath burns him inside, every exhalation as if it were a nail in his chest. He remains still, almost does not feel anything, does not feel the movement of the sand around him, does not feel those beings that return to the surface hungry, in search of food, and that find him lying down, helpless. There will be two, then three, and soon more than twenty snakes sliding through the sand toward the burnt body. The feast begins. Teeth like fine needles tearing the flesh until they are satiated. The snakes finish eating the flesh and return to the sand. Later, a couple of vultures circles the sky over the charred body, taking their time before descending. A peck and another piece of meat is separated from the bone. The vultures devour every muscle with surgical precision, including the eyes and guts. Then they return to the skies and get lost on the horizon. After a while, a family of beetles makes its way through the sand, reaches the immobile body and takes its share. The days pass and only bones remain.
XI And Alfonso? Where is he? Alfonso is in the snakes that roam the desert, he is in the vultures that sail the skies, he is in the beetles that bury themselves in the earth. But Alfonso wants to free himself, the desire to return to that place that he hardly remembers anymore, that place that keeps calling him, persists like the light of the stars. With great effort he manages to free himself from the flesh that imprisons him, helped by the fact that it almost disintegrates in the stomach of the beings that fed on him. One more effort and his soul separates entirely from the material, then he falls, falls as he has fallen before, as the stars collapse and separate in spite of all efforts to endure. But Alfonso does not want to be part of the history of the universe; his desire is to return to his memories, to retain them. And every time the galaxies collapse and everything begins again, he returns, countless times and under a thousand forms. At the beginning it is difficult for him, he can only be geometrical figures, he is a triangle embedded in a grain of sand, he is a cube, traveling in a beam of light, between the reflections of the dunes and the sun. A car passes by the road, a thundering music throws waves through the air, changing the nature of all things, even of himself and now Alfonso is part of a song, a specific strophe “stay with her”, “stay with her” is repeated like a mantra throughout the song and someone listens, but the sound waves last as long as a blink of an eye and that is not enough for Alfonso. Again at the end of the universe and back again. This time as a drop of rain that falls in a spring at the beginning of his life and then is taken, encapsulated in a bottle of water. The same drop that slips gracefully through a woman’s lips and manages to calm her nervousness in a tense situation, Alfonso remembers the happiness, but he wants more, he is not satisfied. This time he is a fly that is born on the putrid flesh of a corpse, as soon as his eyes meet the rays of the sun, his adventure through the air begins. He flaps his wings in search of an aroma that he can barely perceive, which is only an illusion at the beginning, but which, with each movement, grows in intensity. After having lost half of his life in the journey, the fly finds the origin of the aroma that drives him forward. The turbulence of the wind prevents him from advancing, it moves him in all directions. But the fly does not let himself be intimidated; he has been a man, has taken a life, has been robbed of his life, has traveled this existence countless times, the wind is not a rival, it is itself in another age. This is how he lets himself go and soon finds himself in the cabin of a car, amazed by the man and the woman who now talk and laugh inside. He approaches the man and, with all his strength, shouts at him not to waste time, that destiny can be cruel in the same way that men are or have been. But the man does not listen; the fly flies through the air once more, and goes around both looking for some solution. He does not find it; tired he stops at the mouth of the bottle, where he recognizes himself in the form of a drop of rain. Distraction prevents him from seeing the woman’s hand until it is too late, life is lost again. Again the end of the universe and the man returns as an animal, a fox that ventures into the desert dunes, that hunts snakes and faces vultures, that fights to stay alive long enough. Until a thundering sound changes the nature of things, “stay with me” is repeated and the fox knows that the time has come. One look is enough to change the life of the man who until then was walking the dark spaces of his own consciousness and then the epiphany, be an idea. The universe collapses and begins again, this time Alfonso is born from the vision of man, a set of synapses, of electrochemical impulses that form the powerful image of the majestic fox in the middle of the desert sands, a sticky idea that later translates into words that travel through the air and enter her ears.
Amelia settles into the seat and closes her eyes, falling into a deep sleep. It is a calm dream, like the belly of a whale, warm and protective. Through the thick mist of her restful consciousness appears the image of a man walking along the road. It is Alfonso returning with a jerry can of gasoline in his hands. Amelia watches him from the window and smiles, their glances cross and they recognize each other as if only minutes had passed since they last saw each other. Alfonso arrives at the car and tells Amelia that he has found the can lying on the side of the road, which has been a miracle. She stretches to get rid of the laziness and gets out to stretch her legs for a while. Alfonso fills the pond with fuel, stares at Amelia, and can’t help but smile.
Something has ended.
Alfonso forgets everything else and returns to the car, Amelia enters with him.
Shall we go?
Shall we go? Amelia asks cheerfully.
Alfonso nods, turns the key and the engine starts. The car advances towards the horizon, where the desert ends.
The trip takes about eight hours, enough time for Alfonso to get lost countless times in recurring thoughts, memories of days gone by when existence seemed so superfluous, so unnecessary to him. And now the terror that has taken over his body keeps him hoping to continue living, despite all the dangers that await him, for sure, at the end of this new journey through the desert. A journey that ends abruptly, his eyes are opened and night falls on him, flames in torches intermittently illuminate the space between him and Peter, on the other side of the circle, drawn with stones, which separates the space before them and the crowd of people who look anxiously at the sides of the improvised quadrilateral. Women, old people and children wait for the beginning of the festivities raising their voices to the stars, energetic songs in the same indecipherable language as before. A man walks among the crowd, they open the way for him, this attitude of the audience makes Alfonso think that this man has to be special among them. He brings with him two long bones, human femurs, Alfonso supposes. The truth is that, having witnessed the dismemberment of Pedro’s brother before, the situation does not impact him greatly. The man buries a bone in the sand, near Alfonso, another near Pedro. Then, the man approaches the center of the circle and introduces himself to the rest of the people, bows and addresses Alfonso and Pedro in perfect Spanish, points out clear and simple rules for the festival, both have to fight, only one will survive, the battle is not over until one of them falls dead.
Tell me, what do you desire?
A question is born in Alfonso’s mind, words that the wind does not bring with it and that no person has pronounced.
Do you want to see it?
The voice returns, a tingling leads Alfonso to raise his gaze, above Pedro, further back from the people who are shouting effusively behind him. Barely visible in the darkness, an extremely thin woman, her long black hair covering her sex and breasts, her arms as thin as branches, her ribs marked, buried. She is sitting on a structure that Alfonso is unable to decipher. Her feline eyes are fixed on Alfonso. She blinks…
Tell me, what do you want? Give me the life of that man and you will have it.
Alfonso can only think of Amelia and the car in the middle of the road. Whether the hours they spent together actually happened or was all an illusion, it is all he can wish for. The woman smiles and a warm breeze lifts the ashes from the torch to the stars. Time rewinds, the sun rides back and forth across the sky, the stars regain the intensity lost in movement and the days return to the car and the woman sleeping inside.
Life is a choice.
Standing outside the car, Alfonso prepares to leave in search for help, Amelia sleeps inside. Alfonso wants to turn around, back up, get back in the car and see her once more. He stretches out his arms and almost manages to touch the window, but almost is an eternal space that stands between them.
What do you say?
The voice brings him back to the dark night, to the burning torches, to the ecstatic shouts of the spectators and to Pedro, who gets up in a hurry, takes the long bone, buried in the sand, with his hands and throws himself against Alfonso. Savage, liberated, he has surely been offered a similar bargain. Alfonso leaves his thoughts aside and turns to the side to avoid the first attack.
Wait! We don’t have to do this.
Useless, Pedro does not listen to Alfonso’s words, takes the bone with more force and attacks for the second time, Alfonso does not manage to avoid completely the blow, ends up receiving it in the left arm, falls flat on the floor. Breathing heavily, the pain in his arm prevents him from moving or thinking clearly, he has lost sight of Pedro, his eyes rest for a few seconds on the woman, who is still looking at him.
Take what you wish.
The voice sentences, the sands rise, the music drowns, the sun embraces, Amelia sleeps, the fly dies, the feet hurt, the old man burns. Alfonso receives the next blow directly in the stomach, flies through the air and falls into the sand for the second time. Pedro balances the bone in his hands, feels victorious, apologizes, remembers his brother, there is a way to bring him back to life.
The voice returns and a war cry emerges from within, from the entrails of Alfonso, like an intense howl that fuses with the moon and the stars. The roar leads him to get up with new strength, forgotten about the pain, he leaves all his thoughts behind and surrenders to the battle. A hasty turn leads him to evade another attack by Peter and to stand in front of the bone on the ground. A fourth blow from the right, the bone in his hand and Alfonso manages to block Pedro’s attack, although the force of the impact sends him back to the ground. A supreme effort, propelled by his furious breathing, leads him to keep his eyes on his opponent’s movements. Alfonso feels light, prepared, jumps up, grabs the bone and launches his attack before Pedro can react. The first attack doesn’t have enough energy to hurt, after all, Pedro’s body is more robust than Alfonso’s. However, the clash of forces has an unexpected consequence; now Pedro feels that he has won the battle. This leads him to ram Alfonso with the full weight of his body, confident, throwing him back to the ground, one step forward and Pedro raises the bone in the air with the intention of hitting Alfonso directly in the head to end the fight. The bone falls hard into the sand, however, Alfonso manages to move quickly to kick Peter’s right knee hard, making him fall to the ground. Pedro rolls around on the floor screaming in pain. An agile jump leads Alfonso to get up once more, in front of him, a wounded prey waits. Pedro crawls on the ground, backs away without letting go of the bone, still firm in his hands. Alfonso notices this, he knows that Pedro has not given up, he is probably more dangerous now than before.
But, what am I doing? Are we really dueling each other to death?
The hesitation leads Alfonso to stop, confused, observes the expectant public, all ecstatic in the candor of the battle and the promise of blood. Enough time for Pedro to swing the bone in his hands with force and succeed in throwing it into the air, impacting Alfonso in the middle of the face. The blood gushes profusely from the wound, Alfonso falls to the floor with a lost look, when hitting the ground he loses consciousness. When he wakes up, Pedro is almost completely up. The blood that flows from his forehead goes into his eye sockets, clouding his vision, the taste of rust that he feels in his mouth makes him feel that he has also broken a lip, or perhaps he is swallowing the same blood that prevents him from seeing. He doesn’t know and Pedro takes advantage of the moment to pick up the bone again. He staggers, but manages to do so, hobbling over to Alfonso, squeezing the bone in his hand, breathing a sigh of relief.
I’m sorry kid, I owe it to my brother.
Exhale… the air escapes from Alfonso’s chest and is lost in the cold of the night. The spectators now shout in excitement, expectant of the outcome, the climax is approaching. Alfonso prepares to die, he doesn’t feel defeated or lost, just tired. He wonders about the causes of this tragedy, he does not know, and yet, once again, his hands seem to almost touch the fogged-up window, to wake up Amelia, the beauty who sleeps inside the car lost in the middle of the desert.
I would have liked to see her again.
The last wish.
Why do you want to see her? – the voice returns.
I don’t know… I just know that I want to see her.
Alfonso responds without even trying to hide the confusion that has accompanied him all his life.
You know what you have to do – the voice ends.
Hope, Alfonso’s eyes open wide, his muscles tense, new strength leads him to turn quickly, to avoid the death blow that Pedro throws without hesitation. The bone hits the ground and draws a crater in the sand. Alfonso stands up nimbly and his arms swing hard, an almost reflex movement at a speed that surprises Alfonso himself. The bone almost burns the air and a low whistle is heard, fast and fleeting. Peter’s teeth fly, blood accompanies them on their journey into the void. The bone in Alfonso’s hands is shattered, it breaks in two when it impacts the skull of his adversary. One blow is enough to knock him down, Alfonso releases the bone and his body loses all strength, almost falls to the ground again, but manages to stay on his feet. Lying in the sand, Pedro’s body shakes reflexively for minutes before coming to a complete stop, the battle is over.
The spectators retire quietly, few words are heard as they leave the circle of stones. Alfonso stands in the middle of the place, his chest swells strongly with each breath, his eyes completely dilated do not lose any movement around him, it takes a while for him to return to normal. The withdrawal of the people reveals the rectangular object, on which, sitting on top, is the woman with long black hair. The object is a mirror as clear as crystal waters. By the angle at which it is placed, it reflects the brightness of the stars, now more visible after the torches are extinguished. As he approaches, Alfonso manages to see his bloody face reflected on the surface of the mirror and is amazed at the clarity with which he can see himself. The woman on the mirror smiles, then directs others to bring the body of the newly deceased closer to her. Two men take Pedro and drag him to a basket placed just below the mirror. The dark-haired woman gives some instructions, the men place Pedro’s head in the basket, the rest of the body in the sand. One of the men takes a bone, approaches the mirror, the woman screams and the bone falls hard, crushing Pedro’s skull. Again and again, the blows rumble on the ground, Alfonso stares silently, the situation shakes him, but he feels he no longer has the strength to respond in any way. Blood and pieces of the skull are scattered on the surface of the mirror, others fall into the sand and are lost from sight. The woman comes down from the frame of the mirror and spreads the blood with her hands, until she completely covers the surface of the mirror. Then, she raises her arms to the sky, takes something, an invisible rope that joins her to the stars. She occupies the rope to tie Alfonso, circulating around him, whispering words that cannot be heard. The woman returns to one side of the mirror and throws the other end of the rope into the reflection, with movements that remind Alfonso of the nonsense of mimes in the city square. But the mockery fades as Alfonso feels the rope tighten and his body is propelled forward, into the blood, into the darkness and the light of the stars reflected in the mirror. Alfonso cannot move his arms, he is really tied to a rope that he cannot see. In vain he tries to back up, his feet are buried in the sand, but he cannot help sliding.
Now you can see her, can you? – the voice gets into Alfonso’s mind.
Yes, I do, I can!
Don’t ever forget, remember!
Alfonso makes a decision and closes his eyes, another battle is over for him, he will no longer fight the force that drives him forward. A lightning strike hits the frame of the mirror, while Alfonso cuts through the glass with his whole body and shreds it completely. The void and the stars break and, from the openings, an intense light receives him, so strong and warm that the outline of his body disappears, vanishes, is extinguished. And for billions of years there is only calm, infinite stillness, full of undecipherable happiness, nourished by a complete existence. However, with the passage of time a memory emerges, like a stain on the surface of all creation, an opening through which energies escape and sprout, altering the consistency of the luminous surface, the intensity recedes and an explosion leads the whole to separate, through the empty space that covers it. Alfonso becomes himself again, he recognizes his self as a finite person, as legs, as arms, as his hands that try to hold on to the lights that escape like sand between his fingers. Entire galaxies struggle to stay together, but the repulsion is very strong, tears are lost in the movement, farewells that last for eons, like raindrops drawing the wake of birth, preparing to move forward, they go deeper, more into the depths. Suns burn and give life to the planets, pass by Alfonso’s side, light up with force and turn without stop, until losing everything, until disappearing and, with them, thousands of lives are lost once more. Until the whole horizon of events bids farewell to the whole light and embraces the dark mantle. The void is the only thing left and Alfonso keeps himself, remembers himself, clings to his memories, to what remains of him, the cold freezes his lungs, his breath stops, and a new calm begins. Millions of years pass again, when will it end? The voice returns to Alfonso’s frozen mind, wakes him up and his heart beats once more.
Time, previously stopped, now goes backwards, light and blinking, shy on the horizon line, with time it gains strength and light returns, suns burn strongly and galaxies meet again. Alfonso is dragged once more to the center of the whole truth, to the uncontainable, undeniable, imperishable light that embraces him and drives him down, a fall as long as the space between the stars. Alfonso lets himself go, lets out a cry from the entrails to leave aside the nervousness, the excitement, to be reborn. And when the light collapses, his eyes can barely stand the morning glow, but he adapts quickly, looking at the sign in front of him, it’s the name of a gas station and the fuel price list. A sense of familiarity seizes him, the wind moves the sand scattered on the concrete, reminding him that he has already been there, but has he been there?
The impression awakens Alfonso, what was that? A dream? The place is unfamiliar to him, the shelves with candy, the flickering light in the damp sky and the vibrant sound of the refrigerators on the side, the smell of gasoline in the air gives him a more or less convincing clue as to where he is and who has rescued him during the night. The bell rings with the opening of the door and a woman enters the store. Alfonso gets up to sit on the old red sofa, with some bites in the corners that reveal the boards that shape it. The woman introduces herself as Paloma, informs him that thanks to the big explosion in the middle of the night they have been able to find him in the desert, that he has been lucky because of that. Exalted, Alfonso asks about the old man, Paloma says she didn’t see anyone else, because the place was very dark and repeats that he was lucky they even found him. She remembers meeting an old stranger some time ago, perhaps it was the same person. But Alfonso is not satisfied with the answer, he insists on the old man, explaining that he may be seriously injured, that they need to go and look for him immediately. A second voice interrupts him and asks.
How long do you think it’s been since we found you?
It is a man with a grey beard and a trucker’s hat, who presents himself as Pedro, a strong man but beaten by the passage of time. Alfonso has no way of answering the question correctly, he wants to say “a few hours” but the heaviness in his head tells him otherwise.
You have been sleeping for a whole month.
Pedro replies and Alfonso gets up completely from the sofa.
What happened to Amelia?
Unanswered question, the woman approaches and tries to reassure him, explaining that no one else has been found in the desert, which is a very vast place and sometimes people simply disappear. Confused, Alfonso cannot believe the words he has just heard. How is it possible that they have not been able to find their car?
This desert is special.
Pedro answers once again, in that cryptic way that already begins to irritate Alfonso.
The sands rise up and sometimes form figures that seem real, but after a while the wind blows them away and they don’t exist anymore.
Words that confuse Alfonso even more.
Are you saying that I hallucinated everything? That Amelia doesn’t exist? And the old man?
Pedro has no answers. The ground and the sky revolve around Alfonso, confusion and dizziness lead him to run towards the exit door. The sound of the small bell on the door resonates and merges with the arches that Alfonso has outside the quickstop, the little he has in his stomach is expelled through his mouth and ends up spilled on the floor, where the sand, which moves in the wind, forms circular shapes. Alfonso stares at the movement, in his mind, the idea of illusion begins to gain strength. At least it takes away his responsibility for the lives of two people. But is he really considering believing that it was all an illusion? Peter walks out the door and approaches Alfonso, offering him a napkin to wipe his mouth. Alfonso receives the napkin and wipes himself without getting up.
You’ll be fine, I assure you.
I’ll be fine? We are talking about the lives of two people.
Alfonso responds without hiding his irritation.
Two people who may be an illusion.
Pedro comes back to the charge with his theory of illusions in the sand.
I understand you, believe me. Something similar happened to me, I also lost a person.
Alfonso wakes up half relieved that someone else shares the odyssey. Amelia’s face remains in his memory, impossible to believe that it was all just a dream.
But don’t worry, there is still something we can do.
What do you mean?
Well, I saved your life and you can now help me with something that will benefit us both.
Alfonso still can’t believe they couldn’t find Amelia, what about her car? What happened to it? Pedro indicates that details have never helped anyone change the reality of things, but that Alfonso does not need to despair, as there is still hope.
It is about the inhabitants of the desert, it is a tribe that, according to the legend, has a special connection with the creative principles of this universe, they know about the desert and illusions, they can help both.
Peter explains the whole mess and then goes off to tell the sad story about the disappearance of his younger brother, also “swallowed up or imagined” by the desert. Has he hallucinated him? He doesn’t know, as time goes by he can’t even remember if he really had a brother all his life. But what he keeps in his heart is the memory and affection for him, and that is what drives him to keep looking. And Alfonso listens to Pedro’s words with disbelief, the reality now seems so different to him than it was when he started the journey that now has him completely confused outside a gas station, who knows where.
What do you say?
Peter asks once again and Alfonso accepts, hoping to find, at some point on the confusing path that seems to hover before his feet, some answer that makes sense.
Early the next day, Alfonso and Pedro go into the desert, both of them cross the sand in silence, walking until they find themselves completely surrounded by golden mounds that reflect intense sun rays, indistinguishable from each other. The walk continues and Alfonso returns to that feeling of fullness that reminds him of the moment when he decided to start walking on the road, the starting point of his current odyssey. The first steps he took, moving away from the car and the woman who, while asleep, he hopes, he will still be able to see again, no matter how illusory it seems to return to her and with it still keeping the hope that she is still alive. Heavy steps in the sand, the tiredness reaches him faster this time. Pedro advances in a hurry, sure of himself, of the path, which for Alfonso is as diffuse as the sand itself. And then it occurs, first a light blow that raises a soft breeze that moves the surface of the desert, then it grows as a breath that becomes more and more agitated, until raising a whole wall of sand that moves quickly and wraps Pedro and Alfonso, making impossible to distinguish heaven from earth.
Is it all sand?
Alfonso tries to follow in Pedro’s footsteps, but the wall of sand that stands between them barely allows him to distinguish it from everything else.
Alfonso, let’s keep going!
Forward, where to? Alfonso doesn’t know. Thunder rumbles on the ground around them both, frightening the raised sands and taking over the sides of all horizons, invisible among so much sand. Alfonso shouts to Pedro, asks him about the origin of the thunder, does it matter? Pedro turns and smiles.
We are close!
Close to what? Alfonso has lost all confidence in the journey. A new roar is now revealed as a high-pitched scream and, a little further on, a figure stands on the highest dune on the nearby horizon, almost indistinguishable among so much sand. As they approach, both can see that it is a naked man, with his arms raised and his face angry, his words, incomprehensible to Alfonso, seem to curse the desert. The sands follow his movement, to the left, to the right, his cries provoke the wrath of the winds. Pedro indicates to Alfonso that the guy standing on the dune is his younger brother, that it is time to capture him, to stop him before the desert prevents them from doing so. Alfonso follows Pedro to the dune, but the brother sees them approaching and starts running, shouting louder, raising new storms that make it impossible to follow his trail. Pedro shouts his brother’s name over and over again.
Alfonso orientates himself by following the sound of Peter’s voice, his eyes can no longer see anything but sand fluttering aggressively between the columns of wind that push him in all directions. Then, a sharp sound and an aggressive blow pass furiously through Alfonso’s left side, grazing his bare ear. A fast line that forms a tube between the sands, an opening that points the way of the object, embedded with violence, in the center of the back of Gustavo, brother of Pedro, who falls dead in the middle of the desert storm. Pedro reaches his brother’s body a few seconds later, too late. He takes him in his arms and sobs, trying, without success, to separate him from the arrow that has taken his life. Alfonso spins around tracking the direction of the arrow, his eyes set on a group of individuals standing about fifty meters away. People who look at him with inexpressive faces and naked bodies, except for the colors they wear on their skin, red some, blue others.
They are the people of the desert.
Pedro points to Alfonso and urges him to kneel in silence. By the expression on the man’s face, Alfonso understands that both are in extreme danger. Fear leads him to stutter some incoherent answer. Pedro falls to his knees, the tears that flow from his eyes are lost in the sand, it is his brother’s turn to mourn in silence. Alfonso follows him, trembling, manages to kneel down and lowers his head. A group of naked men surround Alfonso and Pedro, and between them they talk in a language that Alfonso cannot understand. One of them takes Alfonso by the hair and lifts him up to inspect him. Alfonso avoids looking at him in the eyes, and manages to count five of them in a quick glance to the sides. The men tie Alfonso and Pedro’s hands and feet, while another one approaches Gustavo’s body and, wielding a knife carved in stone, starts slicing him into several pieces. The blood flowing from Gustavo’s body stains the crimson red sands, the men wash the body with the blood of the dead man, looking up, they sing until the violence of the wind stops. The road clears, the sky appears again. Alfonso, obsessed with the events, cannot move his muscles, which are numb, and assumes with enough reasons that any suspicious movement could end up in his death. The men cover Alfonso’s and Pedro’s eyes with cloths cut from Gustavo’s torn skin, then leave for their village, dragging the prisoners through the boiling sand of the afternoon, both tied to ropes that two of them carry on their backs.
The hours pass and Alfonso is left alone with the desert landscape and his thoughts. Lying down on the side of the car, he smokes one cigarette after another waiting for the announced rescue that still does not materialize. The sun is lost in the horizon, the flame of the lighter burns and lights the tip of the fourth cigarette, Alfonso takes a big puff and exhales the smoke into the wind in an attempt to stay calm. Looking inside the vehicle, Amelia continues to sleep. Then he looks to both sides of the road and manages only to measure the enormous space that separates him from civilization, a situation that reassures him. In a few words, Alfonso does not want to return to the everyday life he has built, he feels trapped in it, squeezed to the last drop of novelty that he could find in the same streets he has walked all his life, in the same living spaces, in the same people with whom he has shared his life. Put in this way, is it so bad to have been stranded in the middle of the road next to the only woman in his life for whom he has felt a true connection? Night finally falls on the desert and the cold forces Alfonso to return to the interior of the car. Amelia continues to sleep, surely she was very tired, after walking who knows for how long through the desert. Alfonso settles into his seat and closes his eyes. It takes him a long time to fall asleep, but he succeeds.
The next day, Alfonso wakes up with a sore neck, hanging from his seat for much of the night. He thinks he should have worn a sweatshirt as a pillow, but he has not wanted to copy Amelia. He prefers to open the door and stretch out, the morning wind receiving him fresh, enough to not make such a fuss about the fact that the people from the gas station haven’t shown up yet. Alfonso hoped they would show up during the night. Nothing to do and Amelia still sleeping in the co-pilot’s seat, will she have woken up? No, she is still in the same position she was sleeping the night before. At midday, Alfonso has made some laps around the car, he has walked to the limit of the road and the desert, he has taken the sand in his hands, it has slipped away completely, he has remembered the fox that influenced him the day before. And Amelia, continues sleeping in the same position. Alfonso despairs; at least eighteen hours have passed since she fell asleep. Has something happened to her? He doesn’t know and takes a long time before he dares to check. It occurs to him to move her from her position to try to wake her up. Perhaps she will be angry, but at least he will know that she is okay. He does it, he moves her from one side to another with delicacy, nothing. Then with strength, back and forth, he says her name, shouts her name and nothing, she does not open her eyes. Fear takes hold of Alfonso. Convinced that something bad is happening, he takes the bottle and pours what is left of the water over Amelia’s face, but she does not wake up. Without water and with his companion unconscious, Alfonso nervously meditates on the situation, which takes a dark turn when Alfonso notices that the phone has lost all of its battery life. Unable to ask for help, all lines of thought lead him to the same conclusion, the only solution is to venture into the desert in search of help. After more than a day of waiting, the arrival of external help seems to him to be an illusory idea. To remain waiting could mean not only his own death due to lack of water, but also the death of Amelia. A lot of questions impossible to answer keep him sitting in front of the wheel for a long time, it occurs to him to hit the handle to get even for the present situation. Already with sore arms, he decides to open the door to go out and start walking, and the desert receives him imposing and eternal.
One step after another, Alfonso advances through the empty road. His mind clings to the tireless gaze of the fox in the middle of the desert dunes, to the adventures of Amelia, who walked for so many hours in the desert. Can he do it too? He supposes that he has no other option, to walk until he finds help or perhaps to faint from the heat. Anyway, the situation amuses him, he feels alive, honest, whole, with a valid mission, with a different objective than the monotonous speech of simply staying alive. The sun crosses the horizon and in its movement it loses the incandescent pale tone that does not give truce, painting now the land of orange tones, then reddish, losing with it part of its intensity and making the trip more bearable. At sunset, Alfonso loses some of his initial impulse, it’s the tired legs, the feverish forehead, the dry throat that don’t allow him to move with the same ease. At the same time, he can’t stop walking, he doesn’t want to, he assumes that if he does, he won’t move again for a long time. The night almost falls completely when a new vision leaves him perplexed for the third time. Miracle, a gas can arranged on the berm. A mirage? No, it’s really there. Alfonso walks the stretch that separates him from this marvelous vision and finds the gas can, noting that it is almost completely full, enough to give new life to the car, to take Amelia to a hospital. However, as soon as Alfonso takes the can in his hands, a figure hidden among the dunes and the sand throws itself at it and knocks it down. It is an old man completely naked, with long filthy gray hair and a pronounced beard of the same color. From the ground, Alfonso notices that the eyes of the old man are shining as intensely as the stars that take possession of the sky; his vision leads him to discard assuming a hostile posture. And with those shining eyes, the old man does not stop observing, almost without blinking, Alfonso lying on the sand, while he picks up the gasoline can from the ground. Alfonso gets up from the floor and cleans his clothes with his hands. He tells the old man about the car stranded in the middle of the desert and the woman he had to leave behind to find a solution to the dilemma. However, after the story is over, the old man does not change his attitude; the gas can belongs to him and he has no intention of sharing it. Alfonso reluctantly accepts and sits down by the side of the road to rest, he has really been walking for more than four hours and night has fallen on the desert, to continue advancing in these conditions does not seem a good idea. While Alfonso is lost in thought, the old man gathers some branches and with some gasoline he prepares to light a fire, only to realize that he has no way to make a fire. Alfonso then approaches and lights the branches with the lighter, an object that causes the old man a lot of curiosity. The flames grow with the wind and the fire takes shape quickly. Alfonso and the old man sit by the fire and stare silently, both with the same lost gaze between the reddish crests and the small incandescent sparks that escape from the interior of the fire. Alfonso has not forgotten the gas can, he still has some hope of taking it away from the old man. He surprises himself by these Machiavellian thoughts, assuming they come from the desperate circumstances in which he finds himself. He decides to inquire about the old man’s motives, asks him what he is doing in the desert in the middle of the night, the old man scratches his chin and stays a while thinking, he seems not to remember what he is doing. After a long time he answers that he is looking for a woman who was lost a long time ago. Alfonso doesn’t know if the old man is pulling his leg, so he decides to ask for more details. The old man says that’s all he knows, that and that for no reason should he let go of the gas can he has with him, as it is necessary to rescue the woman. Alfonso responds, and assumes with insight, that the old man has released it when Alfonso has found it, at the side of the road. The old man goes off laughing for a long time. Irritated, Alfonso prefers to remain silent. Then, the old man gets up and from the side of the sand he takes a red robe, something is wrapped inside. The old man reveals the content hidden inside, it is a dead snake, which he presents to Alfonso, without hiding his pride as a hunter for having achieved it. Alfonso doesn’t hide his disgust for the discovery, the old man grabs the snake by its head, cuts it off with his teeth right there and buries it in a stick, which shows up towards the flames. The old man covers his body with the red robe and soon after, the snake is cooked, he takes it out of the fire and bites a piece, his face draws a wide smile. Could it be that he has not eaten in days? Alfonso wonders as he receives the piece of snake that the old man offers him. Both eat in silence, Alfonso says nothing, but the taste of the snake has seemed less terrible to him than he expected. It occurs to him to tell a joke.
It seems to lack a bit of salt.
The old man can’t understand. Doesn’t he know what salt is? A while later, the flames lose intensity, the old man’s eyes close and soon he falls asleep. Alfonso settles down on the sand to rest, but he cannot sleep. Another time passes, the flames burn agonizingly and Alfonso opens his eyes, in front of him, the can and the old man sleeping, a unique opportunity to get the gasoline and return to Amelia. He rises carefully from the floor and takes furtive, precise steps to avoid excessive noise. He manages to get so close to the old man that he can hear his breathing. Alfonso stretches out his hands to take the can and almost succeeds, but the old man wakes up excited, grabs the can with strength, pushing it towards his belly. Alfonso pulls once more but does not manage to take it away from him. The old man gets up and tries to run away, but Alfonso doesn’t let go and, without wanting to, ends up pushing the old man and the gas can towards the fire. The can falls first and then the old man, Alfonso cannot react, his intention is to help, but the explosion sends him flying through the air, along with a great flame that rises in the air, lighting up the night like the breath of a dragon, the column of fire rises in the middle of the darkness. The cries of the old man, wrapped in flames, keep Alfonso at the limit of consciousness, completely disoriented, he tries to stay awake, until the cries stop and only the flames remain. Confused, Alfonso tries to stand up a couple of times, but he doesn’t succeed, not until other hands pick him up and carry him to the back of a truck, where he is carefully placed. The doors of the truck close, Alfonso hears the voice of two people talking. These people, fuzzy silhouettes in the darkness of the cabin, ask him questions he can’t understand or answer. Tired, he lets himself go and falls completely asleep.
The vaporous lines of the mirages, which meet on the horizon of the road at noon, form Alfonso’s body, which becomes flesh, comes alive and returns to the car in the middle of the desert. Walking he remembers the weight of noon and a bunch of foxes peep out among the dunes and receive him on his return. This fills him with joy, he takes the time to revere each one of them and wish them a prosperous journey. Smiling, he approaches the car and Amelia, soon he will see her again. A sudden impulse leads him to run the last stretch, and yet when he arrives he does not find her. Frightened, he looks out of the window to look at the inside of the car; what he finds there presses his heart and leads him to go back. There she is, but it is not her, but her body as if it were deflated, like her skin and clothes without muscles or skeleton to hold them, wrinkled and piled up on the seat. The vision is like a fabric that folds back but its tones still remember what she was. And then, from the inside, from the darkness that overflows in the tear in the middle of it, a red rose emerges that rises and the stems that accompany it take over the entire interior space of the car, until they break the windows and make Alfonso step back with blood on his hands.
sands, once calm, rises in the midst of the turbulence, a cloud of dust that forms in the middle of the road and separates the desert into two large extensions of space, as wide as the eye can see. A translucent curtain that follows the movement of the car that’s speeding through the place. Through the open window, on the driver’s side, the thunders of rock music escape.
“Stay with me, stay with me”.
Is the chorus of the song that accompanies Alfonso’s journey and the reasons why he travels through the lonely desert are the same ones that imprint speed to his movement. Situations, decisions, reasons that have led him to dispense with memories as much as possible, in the manner of modern streams of thoughts that try to separate the person from timelines different from the present continuous.
“Stay with me, stay with me”.
The song ends and another one of less intensity begins. The stifling heat of midday merges with the heaviness of the new tune, too melancholic, too “trip back in time” to endure. Alfonso’s gaze escapes to the desert, to the dunes, all different from each other. There, he meets a curious figure that catches his attention, a small fox that stands in the sand and watches the passing of the car. Alfonso crosses glances with the animal and, in doing so, something awakens inside him, a diffuse idea, but one that will never leave him again.
How is it possible that such a small being can survive in an environment as dangerous as a desert?
The question leads him to bow to the fox as he passes by its side, before losing sight of it completely. Looking ahead, Alfonso is propelled forward with a new attitude, the lines on the road now appear as arrows indicating a different path, his hands cling to the wheel and hope fills his heart. And then, something else happens, the road reveals yet another curious figure. It’s a young woman carrying a backpack almost as big as herself. A backpacker who has ventured into the desert, perhaps from as far away as the city. The revelation leads him to experience a series of sensations that he had decided to escape from, when leaving the city. He wonders about the woman’s motives, about the purpose of her journey, he also wonders about the protocol to be followed in cases like these. Is it legal to continue advancing without assisting her? A quick review of the situation leads him to conclude that the woman will probably have to walk a long way before finding someone else who can help her, having travelled for more than four hours without having seen anyone else. But Alfonso doesn’t make any decisions, since she is the one who raises her hand and thumb, an international sign for help. Alfonso fixes his gaze on the raised finger and immediately feels tied to an unspoken contract between two people, the rational response leads him to ask.
How long have I been transformed into such a robot?
There is no answer. In the midst of the tribulation, Alfonso stops the car, practically automatically, by the side of the road. She approaches smiling, advancing at a slight trot until she reaches the co-pilot’s window and introduces herself, her name, Amelia. Alfonso introduces himself and the two look at each other for the first time. In her eyes, he finds traces of that same melancholy that has led him to travel alone through the desert, although he doesn’t dare say anything about it. He invites her into the car, however, Amelia asks to put the backpack in the trunk. An obvious one, Alfonso thinks to himself and gets out of the vehicle to help. Between the two of them, they manage to find the right way to put the backpack inside the trunk, smiling once more, in that awkward way that people who barely know each other usually behave. The car goes on the road once more and Alfonso asks Amelia why is she walking alone in the desert. Amelia laughs at the situation, calling it “an uncomfortable situation. She then explains her reasons with a series of evasions and generalizations that don’t provide much information. Alfonso prefers not to delve into the subject, surely it’s something difficult to talk about. Now it’s her turn to ask the same question and his turn to respond with the same generalizations and evasions. Even so, it has been about thirty minutes since they both met and neither of them knows anything about the other yet, except that they act in the same way when meeting new people. An uncomfortable silence separates them a little more and it’s then that Amelia makes the decision to make a confession, to exorcise the demons that are already taking over the minds of both of them. She says that she was part of a group of people with whom she has parted ways after an argument. She then says not being sure what has led her to travel with these people in the first place. Perhaps she has let herself be carried away, she reflects, by the intentions of others and, after waking up to reality, she has not been able to come to terms with her companions. A failure of her, she criticizes, for the lack of conviction in the democratic way and in the end this has been what has left her wandering alone in the desert.
Reality? – Alfonso asks.
Yes, reality is that all of this is just a dream. – She answers and goes off laughing. Alfonso remains silent; he really can’t process her last sentence.
It was a joke. – Amelia breaks the spell.
Alfonso remains thinking for a few seconds, did he really think that everything could be a dream? Shame leads him to move the focus of attention elsewhere.
What kind of argument leads a group of people to abandon another person in the middle of the desert?
Amelia quickly reaffirms the point, it was her decision. An impulse without thinking through, he assumes, glad on the fact that he is not an impulsive person. He assumes that this character trait puts him above her, for isn’t it he who is helping her and not the other way around? Amelia feels the fluctuation of power and decides to level things out, to recover that mystique that surrounded her when Alfonso knew nothing about her. She decides to reformulate the initial question, having answered her part previously, she assumes that Alfonso will have the moral obligation to return the gesture. It’s a question that Alfonso cannot avoid in any way
What is a young man doing traveling alone on the road?
I prefer to travel alone, I like solitude.
Lies, Alfonso is burdened with loneliness, but he has become accustomed to it, driven by distrust of other people, which forbids him to do things like travel with a group of strangers through the desert and then dare to leave them stranded, citing his own conviction of being right, imposing, perhaps, innocent tyranny before falling into just oppression. Could he have defended himself to them in the same way? An almost imperceptible movement of his right eye leads him to become obsessed with Amelia’s Machiavellian smile. Amelia feels at ease, she has achieved her goal. It is Alfonso who has problems now, an almost uncontrollable desire not to have picked her up, to turn back time and be alone again, seize him. Paradoxical, and he realizes, to desire loneliness, to obtain it and then to hate it. Isn’t that the story of his life? Tribulations that lead him to press the accelerator pedal more strongly and to take a deep breath next to the window opening, movements that Amelia perceives positively as irritation. She prefers to keep silent and look out the window to get lost in the strange shapes that the sand draws in the wind.
They are like emotions – she thinks. Drawings of a reality that does not usually last.
And then it happens, the car body starts to vibrate strongly and an agonizing screech announces the last breath of the engine. The red warning light comes on seconds before the disaster. The car slides lifelessly for a few more meters and ends up stopped at the side of the road. Can thoughts change the course of time? Amelia wonders and wishes she hadn’t thought the last thing she thought. The dial tone resonates intermittently, Alfonso assumes first that he will not be answered, in his mind exploring the worst possible situations he will have to face if the call does not come through. Amelia waits in silence, her firm belief is that this is not the time to further disrupt the cosmic energies that have decided to abandon both of them in the middle of the desert. The device seems to work, the call connects and Alfonso explains the present situation to the person on the other end of the line. A solution, there’s a gas station a few miles ahead, difficult to know how many, the person confesses, because of the lack of distinctive signs between the dunes, the lack of geographical reference points and the inexperience, both Alfonso and Amelia’s, to position themselves on the planet without the help of external agents such as a compass or good orientation. The next call seems more hopeful, Alfonso manages to communicate with the gas station, he repeats the misfortune once again, although this time the story is less dramatic. In any case, the message achieves the desired effect, the woman on the other end of the line indicates that they can approach the car. However, depending on the position they are in, the operation could take a few hours. Alfonso accepts the proposal and appreciates the concern of all involved, without hiding the disappointment of a city person, used to agile solutions and short waiting times. Amelia senses the bad news by looking at Alfonso’s facial expressions; she prefers not to ask about it. She concentrates on his dry lips and on the memory of the bottle of water she has kept in her backpack a few minutes before meeting him in the middle of the desert. She gets out of the vehicle and takes a deep breath, the fresh air leads her to accept what she has not wanted to ask about, the rescue will take time. Having tried the bottle, she returns to the interior of the car. A big sip of water is enough to bring back a smile and to infect Alfonso with it. Amelia offers him the bottle and they both laugh at the current situation, they feel freed from an invisible burden that they now understand has been largely caused by the reluctance of both to say anything. Alfonso admits that this whole trip through the desert could have been a mistake, that he is not an impulsive person, but that he really needed a break from everyday life. Amelia nods sympathetically as she receives the bottle of water back.
Isn’t that why people go on vacation?
She asks and Alfonso nods, both smiling again and exhaling deeply. The conversation flows uninterruptedly for a long time, during which time a fly begins to move around inside the car, almost unnoticed by any of them. The fly ends up resting on the edge of the bottle for so long that, when Amelia becomes aware of its presence, she cannot avoid, almost reflexively, moving it with her hand, hitting it so hard that she ends up knocking it down. A nervous laughter leads her to hide the guilt she feels for having ended a life, something that catches Alfonso’s attention. Amelia wipes the bottle and takes another sip of water, this time she doesn’t manage to calm down.
Live in such a way that your actions pay the debt.
Alfonso remembers the quote from some movie he has seen, Amelia picks up the body of the fly and keeps it on a piece of paper. Both remain silent out of respect for the deceased and then let it rest, burying it in the desert sands. Amelia asks Alfonso to say a few words
Fly, we didn’t know you and I want you to know that none of us wanted you to die. It’s just that life is so fragile. As someone once said, life is a blink and death is an eternity. I think you are in a better place.
The wind picks up a thin layer of sand and gains some intensity, Alfonso and Amelia decide to go back inside the car. A short time later, Amelia feels the first signs of fatigue, first a faint yawn, then a long one. The heaviness of the sunset settles on her eyelids that fall without control, Amelia says goodbye for the moment and settles down on the seat, using a sweatshirt as a pillow she manages to find a comfortable position and closes her eyes, soon after she falls asleep.
I’ m late, but you didn’t know I was coming to see you so I don’t think you’ll mind. That face you make, I guess you weren’t expecting visitors today. I thought about buying you some flowers outside, but the old ladies that sell flowers weren’t there, no old ladies, no flowers. Why did I write you a goodbye letter? that’s a good question you know, I bet if we talk about it for a while I can explain more or less why it’s better to start by saying goodbye than to start by saying hello or to end by saying goodbye.
I suppose life doesn’t change much until it changes radically, or perhaps the subtle changes of everyday life go unnoticed until they become part of the fabric of life, at which point the changed appears as the everyday and you get the impression that nothing has really changed. Other times life really changes and there is nothing we can do about it. Well yes, sometimes it is good that life changes, but I’ m referring to those moments we could have avoided, moments that form bad memories, the stuff of self flagellating nightmares and anthropomorphic beings passing through the twilight. Good is last night I woke up suddenly and the door was open, I stood for a while waiting for the monster of my dreams to come and greet me. I think I’m getting off the point, well let me know if it happens again.
The thing is when I left today in the morning I was thinking that I had it hard so far and then I realized that I was just in the tutorial of life, I had not even passed the first stage and I was already losing. In the end I had to jump over the hole, not try to understand it, but well, I lost about three lives in that. I think I should have paid more attention when they told me “drink the milk” or “if you get up there you can fall”, you know, those phrases that make you burst inside when you hear them but that you remember with an echo of sarcasm when you bury your feet in the mud.
The thing is, we were talking about leaving saying goodbye, like when you meet the love of your life and you cuddle up to her lips, you know, when you’re drunk on her candy smell and those light trails follow you around. Then you have to rub your eyes a few times to get the idea that you are really living in a dream. When that happens you say goodbye first, I think it’s the only possibility to live in a fairy tale, like “together forever”, even if the last thing you do is to greet each other, holding hands and looking at the sun lost in the horizon of the last day.
Take as an example a street musician that I saw a couple of times playing on the street, he had special powers, I’m not lying to you. He could play the guitar with his legs, partly because he had arms on his legs and vice versa, he played better than Van Halen. I liked his repertoire anyway, what caught my attention was that he started the show asking for coins from the audience, unlike most street artists who save this rite for the end of the presentation. And well, the surrounding liquor stores are also grateful for this virtuous circle of music, okay, but let me say something about prejudices, they work, okay? This is how they work, you use them for everything, everything is a prejudice. Simple, you no longer have to spend hours, days, weeks, months and years looking at the stars for answers, remember, everything is a prejudice. I guess that’s another reason to start by saying goodbye, you can start by screwing up.
I always remember the day I met you, I was resting and I could hear your voice, like a small glow in the void, as I approached I could see that it was actually the sunlight entering through an opening between the curtains. That warm softness of reddish ashes rising along with the autumn wind, the one that likes to dance with dry leaves on the ground. You looked like an angel when you entered the room, with that fuzzy halo around you, although it took me a while to understand the things you were saying to me. To be honest when I saw you I was scared shitless, you don’t see things like that every day.
I understand, what you wanted me to do was to keep talking about the ashes in the wind and all that, you’re romantic huh? but wait, autumn is over and winter will follow. You see, that’s starting by saying goodbye, ruining everything at the beginning, I mean the first thing that came to my mind was your dismembered body on the side of the street, with that crimson stain and the pink tints on the edges. The whole thing takes on a bluish color as the sky clouds over and it makes me want to puke, but I hold it in.
How did I get there so fast? Well it wasn’t far, I parked out front and got out to look when I noticed the group of pigeons that came down from the ledges of the buildings to flutter around you. Wait, don’t go assuming it was me driving the car that hit you, I’m telling you I arrived at the crime scene past eleven in the morning. It’s hot in here, I’m going to open a window, do you want a drink? the thing is that you were already dead and I suffered a lot before I could accept it. At the beginning I felt you like a black stain, like the mark that fire leaves on the walls. It seemed to me that you flooded the diffuse shadows of the afternoon with a mute and spectral cold, with the passage of time I ended up making friends with the ghosts.
But well, I guess that’s all I wanted to say, maybe it was better to start by saying goodbye, because I really like you and I don’t want to spend my life suffering your loss. I understand that no matter what you think or say, there’s no way this is going to work. So forget all that stuff about starting by saying goodbye, we’re just letting go.
What do you say?
Don’t be afraid of death?
It’s not the end?
Don’t let go of your hand?
But what do you say, I don’t believe in that spiritual shit, the universe is empty and that’s it. Huh? Well… goodbye.